What Timberlawn was really like - stories from a former patient

Jay made his appearance in late 2024, in the Comments section of jeremywadedelle.com, replying to several users, myself included.

"I knew Jeremy, I was in Timberlawn with him. Many adults did indeed fail him, the services there weren't great and he wasn't there long enough for it to be effective. Like many cases, his insurance stopped covering and he went home earlier than most. [...]"

He rejected the story in which Jeremy had been molested by his grandfather.

"That wasn't a thing. We were all in touch with him up until he died. He was mostly focused on Michelle and wanting to get her back and her declining repeatedly, he got incredibly down and things piled on a guy that already was carrying the weight of it all of his experiences that not been addressed. His insurance declined ongoing inpatient which made it worse."

Jay, who today is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) (I have looked him up, he is a real person), rejected my (and other people's) shared hypothesis of Jeremy already having Borderline Personality Disorder at fifteen (which the DSM has deemed to be possible): 

"Where did you hear that diagnosis? That's not what it was (I was there). They don't diagnose personality disorders under 18, we (I'm a licensed therapist) still don't. There's a bit of inaccurate info all over these pages. [...] Certainly the DSM-5 for exceptions but generally will be listed as traits and not a full-on formal diagnosis. There's many reasons including stigmatizing the patient, factoring in that they're a long way from full brain development, etc. It also creates potential liability issues. The vast majority of providers I know, including myself, rarely, if ever, give a formal Dx [diagnosis] of borderline because of there rarely is a need to be that definitive. We usually will list the traits and leave it at that, or list it as r/o borderline. Things have also changed a lot since the early '90s when this happened. Either way, if people are using non-professional sources that are recalling from memory alone, I wouldn't put much stock into that. Diagnostics are too layered for non-professionals to use appropriately and certainly not helpful in regards to humanizing someone.

I really appreciate the aim to humanize him which is why I generally take issue with discussions of diagnoses and speculation, particularly from those who may not be formally educated to do so. The problem with diagnoses is that they are a label for a grouping of symptoms, however those symptoms exist freely outside of that label as well because they apply to other diagnoses. Basically, a diagnosis is a grouping of symptoms that occur in a certain frequency, intensity, and duration. 

For example, people with autism spectrum disorder are frequently disturbed by sensory triggers such as sounds, light, textures, etc. That also overlaps into anxiety as well because people with generalized anxiety disorder or other related anxiety disorders are also frequently disturbed by sensory triggers as well. Since there are many overlaps between diagnoses, it's more likely to create stigmatization when using labels especially if it's inaccurate. Our training is to focus on the symptoms that are present, not the diagnosis. A diagnosis is mostly for billing purposes and a starting point, beyond that we focus on what is right in front of us.

One of the unfortunate things about mental health is that professional terms get tossed around in the public and people utilize them as though they believe they are using them accurately and usually are not. That contributes to mental health stigma and since I have dealt with it personally and professionally, it's always going to catch my eye."

Regarding Jeremy's behavior at Timberlawn, he added:

"[...] I can tell you this much, I was there when he was admitted and I was still there when he was discharged. I never saw anything that would lead me to believe that he had borderline personality disorder. He was a very angry young man which means he was hurting very badly inside and was struggling with high levels of anxiety. This is indicative of trauma and the difficulties that he experienced being raised in the manner his parents handled it. I never saw any of the "I hate you, don't leave me" or manipulative types of behaviors. Guys like Jeremy and I back then got labeled as having anger management issues but psychiatry sucks so bad they never bothered to teach us what was underneath it, quite often anxiety and trauma. The doctors on the adolescent unit at that time weren't great either. If you want journey down a rabbit hole sometime, look up Dr G. P., he was adolescent unit director while we were there. [...]"

Moving on, Jay started to describe in detail the functioning and appearance of Timberlawn in year 1990:

"This [pictured above] building housed the children's and adolescent boys and girls units.  It also housed the on-site school that was apparently accredited."

Do you remember that Jeremy was admitted to Timberlawn while he was at Bryan Adams, in grade 9, and started grade 10 in October at Richardson High? This is how. He continued to study from the hospital thanks to this on-site school.

"As you look at this picture, the top left was adol girls, beneath that was the children's unit. To the right at the top was the boys unit and then the school beneath.  The center sections housed the nursing station which served both sides.  Upstairs in the back of the center section was a common area shared by both adolescent units. It had a pool table, ping pong, entertainment center with Tv, and couches.  We would have mixed activities at times and we also would have mixed groups (weekly if I recall correctly). These groups, school and activities led to a LOT of relationships and that's how Jeremy met Michelle. "

Jay also told a key detail about Jeremy's appearance at the time.  

"Side note - I have yet to see any pictures of Jeremy that look like he did during that time. Everything I see looks a couple of years younger.  He had 90% of his head shaved except for a patch at the center of his forehead and he would usually wear it slicked back like a flattened mohawk or he'd comb it straight so it hung down the middle of his face (similar to Misfits). He was a big punk fan at the time.  He wore 90's skater/punk wear, black or dark shirts, jeans, doc martens, etc.  

I also knew and recall the Chris you and other's have referenced.  I have no clue as to where he is, alive or dead so I won't really speak on him with any detail.  He was a solid guy (despite being a self-identified white-separatist), really intense but a big heart and Jeremy really looked up to him and Chris stood up to anyone who tried to give Jeremy shit. 

Jeremy could hold his own though, he didn't strike me as soft or a target. He was angry as hell, like the rest of us and he fit in for the most part.  He did annoy us at time with how he'd complain or play victim, but I know I did the same.  You become family in there quick.  We had skinheads, gang members etc...but well kept it family even the way we fought.  We were just trying to survive."

I will have to try to bring Jay's recalling of Jeremy to life, one day. It would be such a cool drawing to make. 

But anyway, here's some more details about the adolescent unit:

"The unit was oddly shaped, the rooms lined the perimeter with the common area in the center.  A big portion of it was taken up by a massive sectional and entertainment center with a tv, vcr, etc.  We held our groups on chairs inside that sectional area by the TV.  Near that were tables and chairs."  

"The only difference in the rooms at the time is that they were carpeted.  That strip of wood on the side is the rail they fed the leather restraint straps through."

This is where Jay confirmed that some of the very bad things that were said about Timberlawn were indeed true: 

"We had a guy there that was severely ill and looking back I would say he was severely autistic that had the arrested development aspects.  He was childlike mentally, but not unintelligent.  They had him confined to his room 24 but let him sit on a chair in his doorway so he could see us all and interact, but they also used that as a privilege and punishment game with him. Staff would deliberately provoke this poor kid until he'd flip out and it up restrained. It was traumatic as hell for him and awful for us to hear.  However, the staff would let the patients agitate him as well and he caught projection from a group of angry boys who already didn't like him.  

I was put on room confinement for over a month to "motivate" me to work on my issues.  I was allowed nothing in my room I just had to sit in there and do school work.  I was able to break into my closet and get books.  I would push my bed against that counter. The center is an opening for your chair.  I'd lay on my back with my feet on my bed and just read books.  They would just come by and make sure I was awake, they had no clue I was reading Swan Song (900+ pages) and lots of Stephen King." 

Thankfully, Jay gave some clarification about the whole inpatient/outpatient theory, proving I was right.  

"I noticed somewhere discussing whether or not Jeremy was in the outpatient program He and I both got out of the inpatient unit around the same time. However, I was transitioning to the halfway house program they had across the street from the hospital. 

So there were two different versions of outpatient for adolescents. There were those of us who lived in the halfway house and then there were those of us who stayed at home and came to the Day program in school. 

Jeremy wasn't a part of either of those after his discharge in October. Various ones of us were in touch with them as has been reported but I don't recall ever seeing him again after we said goodbye when he left the inpatient unit."

At this point, in the original e-mail, Jay talked about how he found out about Jeremy's passing, but I have decided to move that paragraph to the bottom of this section in order not to break the topic of being a inpatient or outpatient.

"I'm not sure if this will clear up some of the timeline regarding Michelle, but she was one that was at home at night and at the day program during the week. There were a few times that she and I hooked up a bit in October. I specifically recall us becoming interested in each other when we went on a group activity to a haunted house. Nothing really came of it it was brief, kind of just like friends messing around, FWB [Friends With Benefits] thing.

I've lost touch with pretty much everyone from back then. Up until a year or two ago I was still friends on social media with two girls that were there for both inpatient and the outpatient program when Jeremy was. However, I changed up my social media and didn't stay in touch with either of them. If you'd like me to reach out to them and see if they'd like to share any information I could check, I think I should be able to find them still.

Some of the descriptions about the routines and the setup that I saw don't reflect how it was when I was there, but that doesn't mean what you were told is inaccurate, it could have applied to either before or after. 

We had a privilege level system to where you either stayed on the unit all the time, you could leave with staff and a group of peers, you could leave with a peer, you could leave by yourself, or you could leave the grounds entirely by yourself. Once you earn the level to where you can get off the unit with a friend, it actually got to be kind of fun there. We'd be out riding skateboards all over the property, going to the gas station to buy cigarettes and then hide them on campus, in general teenage mischief. It was a crazy time back then because you could smoke when you were 16 and once we got in the outpatient program they let us. "

Now here's how Jay found out about Jeremy's passing:

"I actually found out about his death after I'd returned home to Indiana. I was at Timberlawn from September 1989 until December 1990. I'd only been home a few weeks and returned to a message on our answering machine from my friend Sean who used to be my roommate telling me what had happened. It actually made a small paragraph or so in the Indianapolis paper which I cut out and carried around in my wallet until it completely fell apart."

"This is an overhead view of what used to be the outpatient program, halfway house, and adult transitional living. 

The building at the top of the picture housed the halfway house where I was, the outpatient day-program center, and rec room. 

The building in the middle and the one at the bottom had apartments for adults who were transitioning to home and also had offices for individual and family therapists. 

I went to Skyline High School for 2 classes in the morning and then came back and finished on campus.  All of us in the HWH were from out of state and this really helped transitioning back home. The halfway houses were set up pretty cool. The downstairs area had two large living areas, TVs, a big kitchen etc. The staff office was also down there. There were a few staircases and at the top were two bedrooms and a shared bathroom.  We had to take turns with various chores and cooking meals for the group. And we still had to have therapeutic groups and all that shit. However we act quite a bit of freedom and we spent a lot of it smoking cigarettes and riding our skateboards. A few of us were sneaking off to go get our freak on of course."

Jay, working in the mental health field, was also able to offer some very interesting insight on how insurance for these types of health services works:

"Before I forget, there's a lot of misunderstanding about insurance, how it works, and the for profit narratives.  

What most would never know unless they worked in the field or had access to experience is that every hospital stay, medical or mental, to this day is all based on what's termed as "medical necessity". Utilization review staff from the insurance company contacts the hospital on a regular basis to get updates and authorization for continued stay (their term). 

To get an auth, very specific criteria has to be met and when you no longer meet it, you get DC [discharged] soon thereafter.  

Although they called Timberlawn a hospital then, it was basically residential treatment in how it operates which is different than short term psych inpatient.  But, it takes a significant bit of criteria to get authorizations for that length of time.  

This isn't to say that there isn't fraud and other nonsense, but some of the things I've seen from commenters is ill informed and bordering on conspiracy theory level.  Understandable though, it's a layered and complex thing that they've never been taught. "

He then continued to describe the physical structure of Timberlawn:

"Notice the triangle-like shape of the units, our rooms had windows facing outside and that small center triangle is the skylight over the center area I mentioned where the TV and couches were. The property looks pretty rough, I don't see the pool or not clearly but the location is right."   

"This is to the back of the property and the fields & track.  

[...] If you have any questions or would like me to expand on anything, feel free to reach out. I don't know how much since any of this made I kind of just rambled it off and kept going. It was actually therapeutic just to get some of this out.  That was such a bittersweet and traumatic time. The crazy part, it also was some of the best times I've ever had.  Quite a wild ride and ultimately led to my career as a therapist.  I couldn't stand the doctors and therapists that had easy lives and tried to tell us how to live.  They couldn't related and telling your pain to someone who isn't understanding it, just makes you feel worse and more alone. But there were staff there that could relate and they had life experiences like mine.  Those people helped me the most and I realized that people really need to feel safe and have someone who truly understands, so I wanted to put that back into the world since people did it for me." 

"In the meantime, look up Dr G. P. (he was at one point involved in something with an MLB pitcher, I can't find it at the moment. He died years ago) and Dr L. R. [Jay here posted a link to the professional online profile of said woman doctor, proving she had really worked at Timberlawn at the time]. They both were my doctors while I was inpatient.  Jeremy had Dr M. H. [Another link which proved this other woman doctor had worked at Timberlawn during that time]. We all had crushes on R. and H."

I did try to look up Timberlawn on Google Maps, from the satellite view, to get a better look of these areas of the hospital myself, but unfortunately Timberlawn doesn't exist anymore so I couldn't.

Jay's screenshots were kind of grainy, however I recognized that grainyness and I opened Google Earth and discovered there's a feature that allows you to see historical satellite images, so here's a complete picture of what Timberlawn used to look like from above in 1995 (B/W image) and then in 2001 (colored image):

As you can see, all the places described by Jay are there, pool included. This is really interesting, as I always believed Timberlawn was nothing but one building. It was much larger than that. 

Apparently this feature of looking at historical satellite images on Google Earth has existed for something like a decade. Was I aware of it while writing No more "Later Days"? No. Do I wish I knew about it so that I could be even more accurate with my depiction of places? Absolutely, argh!

"Adding this since I saw it as I was closing tabs and wanted to address it while I am on a roll with my memory."

The following are direct quotes from the Timberlawn section of jeremywadedelle.com, the red parts being comments made by Jay.

•  "on entry there would be medical check ups, drawing blood, prescribing medicine and so on - correct

•  shoestrings, belts and all tools that could aid in suicide attempts would be taken from the patient - only for high risk patients and they would get these returned after they stabilized

•  the staff will provide the patient with socks, slippers and clothes; lot’s of inpatients stroll around in pajamas and night gowns - not really, we all had our own clothes and shoes

•  the day is regulated – eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, taking medicine, going to group therapy, attending classes - 100%

•  suicide patients would not be allowed to be alone (depending on the severity they will also be sedated) on entry there would be medical check ups, drawing blood, prescribing medicine and so on
  shoestrings, belts and all tools that could aid in suicide attempts would be taken from the patient - if they were high risk they had a staff member that was stationed outside their room while sleeping, they do not sedate people for being suicidal, they only resorted to that when someone was physically out of control and was hurting themselves, but they would actually tie them to the bed first and if they didn't de-escalate, thorazine was next

• genders are separated but in the same hall; usually accommodation in 2-beds room - not accurate at all, two completely separate locked units, I can't speak to the adult units

• there were 144 beds in total, 2 sections in the building for inpatients: A – mild cases / B – severe cases - this did not apply to adolescent units at the time, maybe the adults

• due to boredom time would pass slow but patients were allowed to watch TV (fixed station), playing games like checkers, chess and meet each other in dedicated areas - we had quite a bit more to do, we didn't have a lot of downtime and what we had didn't result in boredom.  The weekends were a little boring for those who couldn't go off the unit, but it usually was a movie marathon day, some recreation, pool, ping pong, etc. Honestly, it was easy to get comfortable there after a while because the only parts that really sucked were groups and school, the rest was usually either active or we were hanging out in each others rooms playing music and being dumb. 

• most of the time the doctors make their rounds quickly / a few minutes for each patient at max due to time constraints - not accurate during my time. They would do rounds daily and that could range from 5-20 minutes depending on how well you're doing, what is being planned, etc.  These are meant to be brief, they're check-ins. The docs were there every week day for group that lasted an hour and they ran it.  It was always Dr P., R., H., and whoever else was rotating through.  

• techs and nurses were on shift most of the time - at least one nurse for the boys, one for the girls. You always had the lead unit tech, can't remember the official title, and then another two guys.  I think the unit held 16 or 18, there were two single occupant rooms and the rest were doubles.. We weren't always full. 

• patients reportedly did their own therapy by visiting each other and talking until late night - not quite sure what this means.  We had daily group for an hour in the morning with the docs running it, we had another meeting ran by the unit staff in the evening. Throughout the week we had individual and some also had family therapy. There was also art and music therapies. 

• there was lights out time for patients but some stayed up late anyway - yeah but not much happened, they checked us every 15 and they were out on the unit and could hear a lot

• in some severe cases the staff would use restraints - oh, they did it more than when it was severe, I can tell you about the two times I got strapped down. They also had a "quiet room" which consisted of a rubberish covered floor and carpeted walls and some of those inch thick gym mats.

• some people reported staff abusing power by making sharp-tongued or not sufficiently obedient patients life’s harder - 100%, I was one of them, I have stories if you'd like

• if treatment went well and patient showed improvement, they were allowed to go see a movie or play board games, participate in arts or crafts - we did movies on unit or mixed with the girls, off site happened as well. The games, arts, and crafts were accessible to all unless you got put on some therapeutic restriction. They had things on and off unit.  It also depended on how much money you had on your account. I bought a lot of model airplanes and put them together on the unit.  Your family sent money and you got a coupon/ticket booklet that had monetary value. This bought us snacks and personal items at the canteen and things like the models and crafts.  Side note-the cheeseburgers at the canteen are still my favorite burger all time

• there was a buddy system where two inpatients could sign in and out of the place with a buddy of the same privileges at their side - this is one of many privilege levels and you earned your way up the tier.  Each week, you made your case for your level and the docs and the team decided.  Dr P. used this to make me work by letting my peers decide my level DAILY.  This is what he did after taking me out of room confinement,. I was put in there by Dr R. She rotated down to the kids unit and he said, "that's dumb, get him out" and then proceeded to mess with me, but that's what I wanted and why I asked for him.  I got out 2 months after he took over."

What you're now about to read is what I could gather from a series of e-mails Jay and I exchanged between September 30, 2024 and April 13, 2025. 

I decided to ask Jay some very specific and tricky questions which were things Jeremy and Chris from Austin referred to in Jeremy's 1990 letter to Chris (unpublished and private at the time), and which only someone who had really been at Timberlawn could've known. 

He also sent some pictures of his teenage self around the Timberlawn facility along with some comments. I censored his face for privacy reasons but decided to include them anyway because I think they add some depth and realism to his accounting. 

"Good Morning! [...] I do have a couple pictures from when I was there but none with peers bc of confidentiality.  I will have to dig through a box or two, but I do recall having one from the day my parents dropped me off and then one from about a year or so later.  Both of them are outside of the white house and in front of the back entrance to the inpatient building.  

I can touch on these really quick though [Purple questions are the questions I asked him, keeping Jeremy's at the time unpublished letter in mind]:

1) What was Michelle called by her friends or those who were close to her, at Timberlawn? - Not a clue.  I didn't know her that well due to a million random things.  My GF at Timberlawn and I had off and on status after I DC to the halfway house. She lived at home in Denton but came for day hospital with us.  Her brother, for a while, what S. [see Facebook screenshot below]'s boyfriend. A lot of us were on/off with our BF/GFs. Michelle and I didn't talk a lot or hang out that much, she had her off and on with Jeremy and I had mine with my ex and I had a few makeout sessions with other girls there, but it was all casual and got me into a little bit of drama lol

[...]

3) Jeremy would sometimes use a cartoonish authoritative voice, and he'd project and throw his voice as what sounded like a stereotypical Hollywood Native American/Indigenous Indian voice - his Tribal Chief voice. He would say a phrase when using this voice: can you remember or do you happen to know what this phrase was? - Not a clue.  The last month or two he was there, I was confined to my room, so we almost never interacted in those last 4-5 weeks and I was in my own world trying not to go crazy locked in my room.  I got pulled out of room not too long before he left and started transitioning to outpatient, so I was at Skyline high school all morning and then outpatient hospital in the afternoon before going back on the unit for the evening.  I barely saw the guys on the unit during that time. 

4) Regarding Timberlawn, does the name "D.M.'s" mean anything to you? Division Meeting - which I always thought sounded like military terminology 

5) Chris was probably friends with a guy you knew from Timberlawn, a guy who needed to be kept straight. His name started with the letter "J" as well. What was his name? My guess would be JT - Jeremy, JT, and I are the only J names I can recall from that time period. We had a lot that came and went short term so they were easy to forget amongst the long timers. "

"I forgot to mention this morning that it was Steele's page where I found S. [from the previous Facebook screenshot] and reconnected

I'm trying to figure out a way to reach Chris because LinkedIn wants me to try their free membership to be able to message him, so when I have more time later I'm going to see if I can track down an email that is appropriate to use."

In a later email he mentioned:

"I tried contacting Chris but the message on Facebook went unread which doesn't surprise me because a lot of times if you're not already friends with somebody on there it goes into a separate folder. I hope one day I can reach him, it'd be really great to reconnect especially considering we've done similar things in our adult lives. "

And he later said:

"I've been contemplating looking for another way other than Facebook to contact Chris, hopefully one day opportunity will present. He's one of the few I can remember their last name and the other ones I'm already connected with. "

"Hello again! 

I got off work a little while ago and I'm sitting here reading through your email. And it was really nice to have an opportunity to reread your perspective and your counterpoints about BPD. I'll send a more formal response to that, but you make a lot of really good points that I agree with but I'll expand on that later. I appreciate the thought you put into it, it shows." 

This comment referred to my theory about Jeremy actually having BPD, suggesting symptoms are not always explicit around just anyone (especially if not close enough), and that these usually come out around the 'favorite person', often being a romantic interest - reason for which Jay may have not noticed anything wrong with Jeremy because he wasn't close to him, nor a romantic interest. 

"I'm going to go eat and then I'm going to sit down and respond to all of these. If you're interested, I can provide information about timberlawn as a facility if you have questions related even to things like the map and the layout I sent. The whole thing was pretty wild no lie, at the time it was supposedly top two in the nation and if something like that existed now it would still be impressive. Because they serve child, adolescent, adult, and in addition to that they had outpatient services, transitional apartment living, and halfway house for the teenagers, that's pretty layered and is actually what would be great if done properly. 

So I'm open to anything, I have a lot more free time now and a lot less stress lol this licensure thing has been quite a journey 

[...]

Additionally, I would love to learn more about you and this experience and your takeaways. I really respect the time and passion you've put into this and I'd love to learn more about it. Because this ties into such a pivotal point in my life that's pretty much defined it from there on out, your experience is a valid and important part of Jeremy's story & mine. Honestly, I think it'd be kind of fucked up to not want to know more about your experience and you as a person lol maybe that's just me"

And this is the last email Jay sent to me. 

"Hello!

I appreciate your suggestions and requests and those are all totally fine by me. I do therapy remotely so any break from the camera is a welcome one lol [...] I've got a patient about to log in so I will follow up tonight or in the morning. [...]

I just got inspired to write this note so I wouldn't forget to touch base with you on the point you made about having a special person. You are definitely on to something there and it hit me like a brick tonight that there's another example. 

You'd asked me about the doctor and if I could clarify about that. I think the [police] report is probably accurate. I mentioned that he [Jeremy] had Dr H. while he was inpatient. But I recalled recently that she, my doctor, and another rotated off the unit because they were doing residency and had to move to children's. So it's likely that this doctor you're asking about [Dr. Bob H., mentioned in the police report] either took over then, or at discharge. What got my attention is that Dr H. [the woman doctor] is likely one of his [Jeremy's] special people. I wanted to mention that before it slips my mind so I can elaborate on it when we talk. 

Just as a preview, Dr H. is a lady, and she was young and attractive at the time. She did her fellowship at timberlawn and left at some point during 91. I had Dr J. R. and I'm not sure if she left the unit because of a residency or fellowship but I recall they left at the same time. I moved on to Dr P. who was the adolescent unit director, and I'm not sure who Jeremy had, it very well could be the doctor you're referring to [Dr. Bob H.]. 

[...]"

Contact with Jay was very difficult during those months, that's why the conversation is so scattared and went on for so long. I posted (almost) everything in chronological order to be the most accurate and clear I could.

I did receive permission, in one of these emails, to post the info Jay had given me, which I finally did with this article. Jay also offered to talk via webcam, which I accepted, but unfortunately we never had a chance to make it. 

As you can see for yourself, the information was more about Timberlawn than Jeremy himself, since Jay mentioned he knew him but they weren't too close. Still, I think it's a greatly useful addition to all the uncertain info about Timberlawn we had until now.

I would like to thank Jay P. for this time and recalling on what he could remember, and invite anyone else who might remember anything to come forward. 

Waterfall